


Slap Or Kiss

by sunwashigh



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Games, Multi, Slap or Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:32:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunwashigh/pseuds/sunwashigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In effort to have spread some happiness, Varric invites the companions for a fun game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> fluff and kissing and slapping the shit outta people.

Varric had convinced most the gang to meet in the tavern for some fun. He didn’t specifically say what fun meant, but they didn’t question him. Only Cullen knew it wasn’t Wicked Grace. “I don’t want to anything that involves me losing my clothes, dwarf.” Varric chuckled, “Ah, hurtful. But no. Not Wicked Grace. Something better… Losing your clothing, optional.”

Ashalla sat across from The Iron Bull, resting her feet in his lap. He kept one hand under the table, discreetly massaging the soles of his lover’s feet while they waited. 

Sera slumped in her seat next to the Herald. “I’m excited yeah, but the barman won’t let me drink as much as I want.” He was tired of getting someone to take her to her room and hearing her insults as they dragged her away. She could drink the whole supply if she wanted to and Cabot wasn’t going to let that happen anytime soon.

Surprisingly, Cassandra was there, next to Blackwall, her fingers laced together perfectly and her eyes sharp as Varric approached the table. He sat at the head of the table, next to her and smirked. 

“Maybe if you’re nice, Seeker, I can give some spoilers to Swords and Shields.” Her eyes softened with a mix of embarrassment. “Not another word, Tethras.” She hid a smile, staring at the table before looking up with a sly look. There weren’t any cards on the table, nor in the game master’s hand. Right before everyone settled, Lady Josephine, Cullen, and Dorian waltzed in, taking the empty chairs.

The Inquisitor sighed at the group. Missing was Sister Leliana, Vivienne, Solas and Cole. Cole preferred to watch from afar now that he was more of a spirit. He didn’t understand the game’s concept as well. “Slap or Kiss? Why would I want to slap any of you?” Varric just smiled warmly, “You can sit this one out, Kid.”

The dwarf placed the empty bottle on the table. “Glad some people came to have some fun. Now, this isn’t Wicked Grace, though we can play that later if you guys wish. This is an old game Hawke and the gang would play back in Kirkwall. The rules are simple-" 

Sera raised her hand, frowning. "I don’t wanna kiss none o’ ya." 

"Well… I know how it will end for whoever gets Buttercup. Anyway, you spin the bottle and whoever the bottle lands on, you either have to kiss or slap them. But, the twist is, the spinner has to leave the room, or in our case, go to the back kitchen. Cabot is okay with that.” Hearing his name, the bartender grunted. 

“Then we call you back and the person that the bottle lands on does whatever choice we decided and you and us will wait in anticipation.” The rules changed Sera’s perspective as she sat on the edge of her chair with a gleeful smile. She wondered how her hand would feel across Blackwall’s beard and if it would sting.

Josephine frowned. “This is hardly a respectable game…” She mostly worried that she’d get one of the heavy handed warriors and her pretty little jaw would be in for a week’s worth of pain. “Don’t worry, Ruffles. I doubt you’ll get slapped. We can also substitute some kisses and slaps for truth or dares.” She then smirked wickedly. 

“Reminds me of when I was a bard at the noble parties in Orlais.” Blackwall’s eyebrows raised slightly, the thought of a wilder Josie dancing in his mind. “You used to be a bard, right, milady?” She blushed, “Yes… It was a wild time.”

Ashalla brought her feet back to her side, wondering if she’d get slapped a lot. She tried her best to be nice to everyone, but that didn’t mean that everyone likewise would want to kiss her. 

“Ah, shall we start?” Dorian put his hand down on the bottle, volunteering to go first. “Go ahead.” Varric sat back, guessing who would it land on, and if the mage would be hurt if he got slapped.

The bottle came to a halt on Blackwall. Both of them groaned. “To the kitchen you go.” The Inquisitor waved as Dorian sulked away. “Just slap me.” He bemoaned as the door closed. 

Their voices hushed, knowing full well that his ear was probably pressed against the door. “I say you slap him.” Sera propped herself up on her knee. Cassandra had a thoughtful look on her face. “That’s what he wants…" 

Ashalla shook her head. "No! We could use this moment to bring these two closer and no more fighting!” Iron Bull agreed. “Honestly, it is annoying." 

"Kiss and make up!” The couple starting whisper chanting. 

Cullen disagreed. “Slap." 

"Ambassador?” She bit her lip thinking. “Oh… Kiss.” His mouth dropped open. “Lady Josephine!” His cheeks turned rosy. “Varric.” The Grey Warden whined. “Fine. Slap it is.”

Cabot opened the door and the Tevinter came out frowning. “It’s filthy in there. You should have thought about cleaning before stuffing someone like me in that cramped space.” He sat down in a huff, dusting his shoulders. 

A moment passed of complete silence. Ashalla hid her disgusted face by drinking out the huge mugs. Bull perfected his poker face years ago and just watched amused as Dorian waited. Sera was the only one who’s face visibly showed her anticipation of hearing a perfect slap, the loud clap of skin on skin. She tried hard to keep her giggles down. “Wel-” It was hard and firm, echoing slightly.

Sera erupted in guffaws nearly falling off her chair as Dorian rubbed his cheek. “Don’t call me a hairy lummox anymore!” He growled. Dorian narrowed his eyes, praying that he’d get his revenge. 

“This game isn’t really fun, Varric.” He complained, sighing. “It gets better when there isn’t any bad blood between people. Blackwall, your turn.” The bearded man spun, worried it’d go to Dorian and then it would just be rounds of fighting.

Cullen.


	2. 2

He exhaled deeply, getting out of his chair. He didn’t complain like Dorian, but hoped to Maker that they would let the Commander slap him.

“Kiss.” Ashalla voted right away. Josephine nodded. Cassandra’s eyes widened, a Grey Warden and a Templar… “Kiss.” She voted with her eyes on Varric, avoiding Cullen’s eyes. 

“Ohohoh! Definitely kiss!” Dorian smiled, winking at the golden haired man whose death glare went to Varric. The story teller only laughed. “I can’t change the vote, Curly.”

Sera finally getting a hold on herself rested her head on Ashalla’s shoulder. “I still say slap." 

"Kiss it is.”

Blackwall came back, apprehensive. Karma could come back and bite him right in the ass. But on his face in the version of a slap. From Cullen. He sat down next to Cassandra who avoided his eyes too, embarrassed with her decision to let them kiss. But it couldn’t all be violence. 

The commander stood, his hand on his hilt to hide his hands from shaking (from lyrium withdrawal or from nervousness he couldn’t tell) and walked over to Blackwall’s side.

He made it too obvious then. Blackwall shot a look to Dorian who he immediately blamed for this before turning to his fate. He leaned down, closing his eyes. The Warden smelled like the barn and pine. Their lips pressed together for a quick five seconds, though for them forever. Cullen didn’t like the grisly feeling from Blackwall’s beard. It tickled his chin. Pulling away, Cullen opened his eyes quickly. He turned on his heel and made it back to his seat without tripping.

Their faces were now red as Leliana’s hair. Cullen scratched his chin. Whoever would end up with Blackwall was in for a treat. That beard… “Your turn, Curly.” Flustered, he spun, the bottle almost falling off the table. 

It landed on Ashalla. “Slap.” The Iron Bull said immediately, not giving Cullen a chance to leave. “Oh, Bull.” She laughed, waving Cullen on. “I’d let you kiss people.” He thought about for a moment. She would for the sake of the game. “Fine… Slap.” She scoffed.

Dorian smirked. “I say kiss only because he’s adorable when he blushes.” “Agreed.” Josephine winked. 

“Oh I wish Leliana was here. This seems like a game she’d enjoy." 

Sera sat up, "Really? She’s not all agents here, agents there, scary assassin?” Josie giggled, “No. You should have seen her before she was the left hand.” Cassandra cleared her throat. “Slap. It wouldn’t be appropriate for the Inquisitor to kiss her Commander." 

"But it’s okay for me to fuck the merc captain?” Ashalla joked. The mercenary captain laughed, “Kadan! That was good!” Dorian chuckled. “Come on now. The poor Ferelden is probably having a heart attack right now." 

Blackwall remained silent, thinking about the Commander’s lips on his own. He was a good kisser, if not a bit awkward.

"Kiss. I agree with Dorian.” Varric said, with a smile, “But we can’t kiss him all night. I have to convince him to come to more games, y'know.” The Iron Bull scowled as Cullen returned. Ashalla couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t want to slap anybody anyway. 

She turned to her side and kissed his cheek. Cullen’s eyes widened in surprise, expecting her hand. Sure enough his cheeks turned pink. “Inquisitor." 

"It’s only a game, Cullen.” Ashalla ruffled his hair. Her lover repeated, “It’s only a game, Commander.” Cullen’s eyes shot to the table. Honestly, he had thought about it once or twice, but she was happy with her giant man.

Ashalla spun, hoping for someone who’d kiss her. It landed on Cassandra. She gave a small smile before leaving. She’d be slapped. Cassandra groaned. “I really do not think it’s appropriate for the Right Hand of the Divine to kiss the Inquisitor.” She protested. “Seeker, it’s just a game." 

"Game or not, it’s the Inquisition’s reputation at-" 

"Kiss.” Dorian voted. Josie nodded. 

After a moment, Blackwall finally spoke. “WE CAN KISS ON THE CHEEK?” His eyes went to Cullen and then Varric, exasperated. “I mean… Yeah?” Varric shrugged, “Moving on to Ashalla." 

"Slap.” Sera voted with a giggle. “I… Can I sit this one out? I don’t want to see Boss get hurt, but I don’t want her to kiss Cassandra.” “Why not?” Dorian asked. 

“They wouldn’t enjoy it." 

Cullen was the only who hadn’t voted. "Kiss.” His voice was soft and caught in his throat. He coughed, steeling himself. “Kiss. It wouldn’t hurt that she kissed both the Commander and the Right Hand. Could be seen as Andraste blessing us.” Varric chuckled. 

“Good one, Curly.”


	3. 3

The Inquisitor came back, ready to feel the right hand of the Right Hand of the Divine slap her hard. Not purposely, but because Cassandra punched trees for fun and came from a family of dragon slayers. And she trained! Every day! The Seeker wasn’t comfortable either. She didn’t want to slap Ashalla, but she didn’t want to kiss her either. 

The vote was in favor of kissing.

Ashalla sat down, aware that her face could be in mortal danger. Cassandra stood and briskly made her way to the elf. She leaned down to kiss her forehead. The kiss caught Ashalla off guard. It was maternal almost. When Cassandra went back to her seat she frowned, praying. She would have to spin. And if it landed on the dwarf… 

She’d quit.

The bottle landed between Sera and Varric. “Spin again.” Varric said quickly. He could get his revenge on her for interrogating him. But, he couldn’t overrule the rules. Dorian’s eyes darkened. He would vote kiss if it landed on Varric. The two were an odd couple. It’d take this game to get them together.

She spun again, hard, the bottle hovering over the edge and almost falling off. Herself. Varric scowled. “Truth or dare, Seeker?” Her eyes widened in surprise. “New rule. If it lands on you, you get a truth or dare.” He added. A wave of relief went through her body. 

“Truth.” Always the truth…

Sera jumped up from her seat excited, “Ooh! I’ve got one!” Varric motioned to the table. “Go for it, Buttercup.” She turned to Cassandra.

“How long,” she paused dramatically, “have you not worn underpants?” She wagged her eyebrows, watching as the questioned’s face turned bright pink. “Must I answer this, Varric?” She asked, strained. “It’s either that or a dare…”

She sighed, ignoring the snickers from Ashalla and Dorian. “Maker, preserve me… Two years.” “Two whole years?!” Sera laughed, shaking her head. “What about on yer-” Ashalla shook her head, putting her finger to Sera’s lips. 

“Ask that later.” She lowered her voice. “Not in front of the guys.” Sera rolled her eyes, “Oh whateva.”

“Sera, since you asked, you get to go.” Sera’s hand went to the bottle, surprisingly nervous. It was different watching others get smacked and kissed. It slowed on Josephine. 

Sera hid a smirk as she headed to the closet. “Hey, Cabot. We need more drinks!” She slammed the door.

Josephine blushed. “I’d say slap, but I don’t think you have the balls to do it.” The Iron Bull chuckled. “I could! Probably for someone else…” The Ambassador sighed. 

“Slap.” Dorian voted, adding, “We’ve done three kisses in a row. Plus it’s unexpected.” Cullen raised his eyebrow. “The mage has a point…" 

Ashalla frowned. "Kiss.” She didn’t defend her vote. 

Cassandra quickly voted, “Slap." 

"Oh, is the Nevarran looking for revenge for her embarrassment?” Blackwall inquired, finally gaining his voice back. 

Cassandra narrowed her eyes at him. “Shut it.” One of the barmaids came to the table delivering more pints.

Varric smiled. “Slap it is. Buttercup is going to be shocked.”

Sera came back, a happy smile to see a fresh one left for her. “Mmmm.” She drank it down first, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Now it’s a party.” She proclaimed, waiting on the Lady to kiss her. While Sera’s head was tilted back, Josie wrung her hands, wishing she had a glove to do it with it. Not her actual hands…

That dumb smile soon was wiped off as Josephine’s delicate hand swiped across Sera’s face. It stung and her eyes swelled with tears. “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” Josephine apologized, glaring at everyone who voted for slaps. Sera held her cheek, glaring at her. “This game sucks, Varric.”

Varric shrugged, “You’ll get kissed next time.” Josephine spun, uneasy. She hated this. She mouthed sorry to Sera as the bottle chose. 

Dorian. 

He chuckled. “Ah, what a wonderful surprise.” Josephine gathered her skirts and hurried in. 

“Kiss.” Ashalla voted, knitting her eyebrows. “If we vote slap, there’s a 75% chance that Leliana will find out we slapped Josie and then we’re all in danger." 

A silence fell on the table.

"Shit. She’s right.” Cullen broke the silence. He would know. He worked with them in war councils. If a noble so much slighted Josie, they were in danger. “As long as I don’t get slapped again.” Dorian said, crossing his legs.

It was the quickest choice. Only because no one wanted to have that over their heads. And Dorian would have protested to slapping her. Leliana would ship him back to Tevinter probably.

She sat down, her eyes glued to Dorian. He’s so pretty, she thought, trying to calm her nerves. Though it didn’t help when he sauntered his way over. He bent down so they were eye to eye. Her heart pounded loudly in her eyes. He prefers the company of men. He prefers the company of men. Her mind repeated the phrase as he leaned forward. He pecked her lips and then her nose and her cheeks. He pulled away, winking and returned to his seat.

Her eyes were big and her cheeks so rosy. The Iron Bull held on to her chair, figuring she’d fall out of it. He didn’t have to make the poor girl have a heart attack. “Your turn again Dorian.” He spun, ignoring the look from Josephine. She probably read the same books as Cassandra. Romance serials. It landed on Varric.

He chuckled. “To the closet again, Sparkler.” He groaned going to the cramped space. This time with confidence that the dwarf would kiss him.


	4. 4

Varric whistled, shaking his head. "I didn't think the bottle would land on me." He scratched his head, wondering their fate. He didn't have any ill feelings towards him. In fact, the two would bet on random outcomes. It entertained him, since he mostly won whatever coin they bet in. 

"Kiss." Josephine smiled and Ashalla agreed, nodding her head. "It wouldn't be fair if he got slapped again." The Inquisitor added. Blackwall snorted. Ashalla narrowed her eyes, daggers at the faux Grey Warden. He ignored them as he voted for slap.

Cullen put his mug down. "Kiss. Do you usually go for humans or stick to dwarves?" Varric chuckled. "That's a private affair don't you think?" 

Cassandra weighed her choices as she held her cup close to her mouth. "If I vote kiss, may I know more about the knight-captain?" He shook his head, holding in his amusement. "Are you bribing me, Seeker?" She smirked, "Am I?" "Well the answer is no." Her smirk changed into a frown. "Slap." She voted, scowling.

"Aww, but you do love me." She rolled her eyes. "Kiss." The Iron Bull voted, wondering when it'd be his turn. He didn't want to slap anyone, but he did want some action. Voting was boring.

"Well, I guess it's kiss? Cabot, bring 'em out."

Dorian sauntered back, winking at the gamemaster. "With Lady Montilyet as my witness, know my kisses will leave you speechless." She blushed in response. "Is that so?" Varric got out of his chair and walked over to him. He'd have to walk over to him regardless.

The mage turned his body so his face would be accessible. Varric was actually surprised by how nervous he was. He hadn't kiss anyone in very long time. He could barely remember when he did. And now here he was. He leaned in, feeling those mustache hairs already tickling his nose. 

Dorian opened his mouth, leaving the previous reservations behind as his tongue slipped between Varric's lips. Varric's eyes shot open, regret in his mind. He could have taken the easy way out, a kiss on the cheek, but now here he was, a full kiss with Dorian. But hey, he closed his eyes again. He was a good kisser. He hadn't even noticed that Dorian's hands went to his hair and undid his hair tie until he pulled away.

"That was... hot." The Iron Bull remarked before slamming his mug down. Varric exhaled, getting his tie off the ground. 

"Well... I am speechless, Sparkler." He remarked as he went back to his seat. "I never lie." Dorian smirked, resting his chin on his fingers.

With Varric settled, he spun, wondering who would step up to the objective vote when he was gone in the closet. No one thought bad of him except Cassandra. And that was only because he didn't tell her about Sword and Shields. She had forgiven him about Hawke already.

The bottle landed on Buttercup. She stuck her tongue out. He prepared himself for a slap as he walked to the kitchen.

"Well do we really need to vote? I don't wanna kiss him. Not like how Dorian did." Dorian rolled his eyes. "Of course darling. My vote is kiss. It's actually not that bad once you get past his stubble." "Says the man with the mustache." Ashalla joked. "It's well groomed." He defended himself, crossing his arms.

"My vote is kiss." Josephine voted, crossing her hands. Everyone else sat uneasy. Ashalla didn't want Varric to get slapped, but knew she'd get slapped for voting kiss because of her close proximity. "Slap." She shook her head, lifting her leg and resting it in Bull's lap. "Slap for me too." He began to massage her foot.

Cassandra sighed, "Slap for me too, I guess." Blackwall and Cullen shrugged going with the majority. A giggly Sera sat on her leg, her hand ready to slap him. No hard feelings were between them. He was actually very helpful to her and the Jennys. But she couldn't wait to slap him.

He returned sitting, steeling himself. He just hoped that whoever she spun wouldn't slap her. She needed some kindness in her life. She could barely keep her giggles down, sitting on her hand. "We voted Varric." She said, looking at everyone. "Yeah, I know. And Dorian, you were right about the room. Next time, I'll make sure it's cleaner."

Sera's hand was swift, slapping him on the right rather than the left like he expected. He smugly smiled as she guffawed, almost falling out of her chair again. At least she was happy. "Haha... It's your turn again, Buttercup."

She slowly regained herself, spinning while aftershocks went through her. 

Cassandra. 

"Are you fucking kidding me." The Qunari said, letting go of his Kadan's foot. "Is it rigged?" He picked up the bottle and checked. Empty. "You can go for me." Cassandra offered, yawning. "Is that okay?" He asked Varric. "Be my guest."

Sera sighed, rushing into the kitchen. Ashalla sat up, returning her leg. "I'm conflicted. I don't want you to slap Sera, but I don't want you to kiss her." She frowned, feeling a bit jealous. "How about since you got to kiss Cullen, I kiss Sera." 

"Do we get to vote?" Blackwall interjected. 

"Yeah."

"Then I vote slap." 

"Why?" 

"She wouldn't want you to kiss her." He sat back in his seat, brooding. "I vote kiss. Not like you'll kiss her on the lips." Ashalla murmured, looking towards the door. "I vote slap." Cassandra took a drink from her mug. Cullen nodded, "Same here."

Josephine frowned, "I felt absolutely terrible slapping her. I vote kiss." Dorian nodded, "She was rather upset by being slapped too. I vote kiss as well." Varric sighed, "Well I guess you have to kiss her, Tiny."

Sera returned. She had mentally prepared herself for a big Qunari slap. His hand was bigger than her head. She wondered how the Inquisitor dealt with his size. A lot of standing if she could remember from their conversation. The weirdos. 

He stood, giving it away. He easily could have reached over and slapped her, but he would be putting Ash in the way.

She made a face as he loomed over her. "Ugh, just don't kiss me like Dorian." "I wonder if I'm supposed to take offense." Dorian remarked, rolling his eyes. He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Just like a father." Ashalla muttered. Sera looked up at him as he went back to his seat, not expecting him to be so gentle.

* * *

 

After a few more rounds, the Jenny turned to Varric. "Hey, this game is getting kinda boring. How about we get more drinks and get a game of Wicked Grace going." 

"Ah, I promised Curly we wouldn't play that... I know of other games. Don't worry. Cabot!" The bartender grunted in response, getting another round going. 

"Ah, let's retire this game for another night. If you're up to it, I know of another game we could play."

"Name it." Blackwall said, his cheek red from a surprisingly hard slap from the Inquisitor. 

" _Never Have I Ever_. Basically, you put out all your fingers, and one person says something they've never done before. Used to play it all the time with-" "Hawke and Company. Yes we know." Ashalla smiled. "Isabella sucked at this game in particular. She's done everything. Anyway, you guys wanna try it?" Sera laughed, putting her hands out in his face. 

"Oh yeah, and if you have done whatever it is, you put your finger down. The person with the most fingers up wins." 

"That sounds dirty." The Iron Bull chuckled, putting his hands on the table. "Let's do this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should do Never Have I Ever as a sequel lol...


End file.
